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A Review of "Unbreakable"

by Margaret T. Minnick

Like most of us, you've probably wondered what would it be like if someone made a rip-off of The Matrix, but then made it really boring, and added a Kramer vs. Kramer-style subplot. Well, wonder no more because it has been done -- and the name of the beast is Unbreakable.

This BORING ASS movie was brought into the world by M. Night Shyamalan, the "wunderkind" behind last year's Best Picture Oscar nominee The Sixth Sense. This movie features the pacing of a 1970s drama, the thrills of a kiddie roller coaster, the hairdo of Luke Skywalker on both Robin ("Santa Barbara") Wright Penn and ugly kid Spencer Treat Clark (treat? what treat? this drip-faced kid can't act for dooky!), and a bizarre Berkeley Unified School District P.E.-teacher coif on Samuel L. Jackson.

This movie actually reminded me a lot of The China Syndrome, simply because they are both supposed to be "suspenseful and terrifying," but they're both incredibly boring. Every time anything interesting or potentially exciting happens, the pacing is brought to a snail's pace. But The China Syndrome has a good excuse—it was made in 1978. In the 70s they thought that this heightened suspense and made the audience more interested. But by the 80s they'd figured out that it just put people to sleep. Someone needs to give M. Night a phone call to let him know what year it is.

For instance, at one point Kiddie Treat is convinced that Bruce Willis (his dad) is a superhero who can't be hurt, so he pulls a gun on him and threatens to shoot him to prove that he can't be hurt. It seems like this would be suspenseful, but it's actually totally boring.

This movie is filmed in a kind of grainy, dark style, which is kind of how I remember the 70s, actually. There is a very overpowering subplot about how Bruce Willis and his wife Robin Wright Penn have "lost the magic." Both characters seem almost totally devoid of emotion, even when they start to get back together (because Bruce is a superhero, after all), it's still extremely boring.

I bet all the actors in this movie thought it was a sure thing because M. Night Shyamalan was directing and writing. Little did they know that M. wrote this thing the night after he saw The Matrix and had had a few too many martinis. Oh well, Bruce, I guess you won't get an Oscar after all...

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Bruce Willis has a big round head.

Samuel L. Jackson as a P.E. teacher.

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