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Discount Cinema Slumming:
A Review of "Dude, Where's My Car?"

by Margaret T. Minnick


Due to the abysmally bad selection of new movies this weekend, I decided to go cheap and see Dude, Where's My Car? at the local Discount Cinema. Even at the bargain basement price of $1.50, this movie still felt like a waste of money.

As soon as it started, a feeling of dread started to well up inside me. The first thing I noticed is that it looks like a TV show. The acting is about as good as a TV show -- which is no surprise because it stars Ashton Kutcher from "That 70's Show." (That must be his excuse for sporting a Luke Skywalker hairdo.) The sets were similar to a TV show, and the lack of an identifiable locale in which the drama was taking place was also reminiscent of the idiot box.

Now, lest you think that I am some kind of movie snob, let me share with you the fact that I have liked many movies that are supposedly of the same ilk as Dude, such as:

-- Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
-- Beavis and Butthead Do America
-- Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey
-- Dumb and Dumber (well, kind of...)

But, this movie could not hold a candle to any of those illustrious predecessors. The essential reason for this is that Dude, Where's My Car? is not funny.

The movie starts out with a weird dream sequence going on along with the credits. We're kind of floating through space, and all these weird people (and creatures) are floating around too, like ostriches, erotic bunny rabbits, and chicks in black jumpsuits. Then, we see the aforementioned Ashton Kutcher (Jesse) asleep in his bed. His friend, Chester, who is played by teen-movie staple Seann (what's with the extra "n"?) William Scott, is sitting on the couch watching chimps on Animal Planet.

They're all hung over or whatever from a night of partying with the drugs. They go outside and see that Jesse's car is not there, which is an unexpected turn of events. A seemingly unending scene ensues, in which they go back and forth saying, "Dude, where's my car?" "Dude, where's your car?" over and over. Ha ha HA. It's so funny I forgot to laugh.

The rest of the movie involves Jesse and Chester trying to find the car, and supposedly finding out what happened the night before. They never really find out what happened, which is pretty damn irritating after sitting through this entire movie.

Along the way, many of the people and creatures that were in the dream sequence pop up. There's Kristy Swanson, playing a character named Christie. (I don't understand why the character's name had to spelled differently even though it's the same name as the actress. That's like Tony Danza playing a character named "Tonie" -- there's just no point to the spelling difference. Kristy, by the way, is looking extremely bad, like she's spent FAR too much time in the tanning salon and has baked-on, caked-on make up. It's really scary, and it brought a tear to my eye remembering how cool she was in the movie Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)

This movie does have some elements that really could have been funny. After all, I am a fan of all these things: ostriches, german aliens, aliens who describe themselves as "hot chicks", and cult members who believe in aliens and dress in bubblewrap. Still, nothing but a forced laugh came to my lips.

It's really an accomplishement, actually. I'm mightily impressed that the makers of this movie could take all these good ingredients and make such a bad movie. I can't wait to see what they do next.

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Here are the delightfully dimwitted stars of this movie.

Kristy Swanson is in this movie. She looks really bad.

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