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Bad Timing, Jesus!
by Margaret Treadwell


If he was so damn holy and powerful, why couldn't he have planned it better?

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So the day on which we celebrate the birth of that great faith healer of yore, Jesus, is creeping up once again. The only thing I find especially joyful about that is the fact that I won't have to work that day. Unlike the masses, however, I will be working the day before and the day after Christmas, because my job is intimately connected with that most noble of American holiday callings, shopping. Do not be frightened, o reader, as this is not an article about how the capitalist mentality has ruined Christmas. I am certain you have heard enough about that. In my opinion, there's not really a lot about the consumer-ifying of Christmas to lament. I only wish there were more than one season a year in which everyone had to buy presents, because then the intensity of the holiday buying frenzy could be divided up and maybe thereby subdued . . .

But back to the issue at hand! As I said, Christmas is only good because of the vacation associated with it. True, many people have to work near or even on (the sacrilege!) Christmas, but the ruling bourgeois (communist moment) mentality of the USA associates a nice vacation with the holiday. But, I ask, WHO in the northern hemisphere (at least up here above the Tropic of Cancer) really wants their vacation in December and January? Ick. I'd just as soon stay in the warmth of the store I work in than try to think of some really wonderful vacation to take here in the Midwestern winter (a futile endeavor). Mostly a person just ends up locked up in a stuffy house with a bunch of boring relatives with too much food in their stomach and no interest in indoor activities. You can't go out anyway because it's either too cold, or no family member will join you, and going out with friends is a grave betrayal of the Christmas spirit.

If you really take Christmas seriously, I guess you have some business to attend to when the bless-ed day arrives. But for the rest of us, what really is the point? A day off is fine; President's Day, Labor Day, and that combo Washington & Lincoln Birthday thing are all fine by me. But why must the expected two-week long vacation for us all fall in such a horrid season? Thanks a lot, Jesus! Hrrumph! If he was so damn holy and powerful, why couldn't he have planned it better?

Any way you look at it, those Australians really lucked out.


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