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Detroit: Emerald City of the Great Lakes?
by Ben Drake

So you say nay to all the Detroit bashing you hear around town? Upset that even Tim Allen's Detroit is a bit different than the one you experience every day? "How," you cry, "can anyone disrespect the city that invented 'Rave'?" "How," you add with rising voice, "how can the city with cool magazines like 'Orbit' ever be said to bite?" If you even ask these questions, there may be more wrong with you than even Freud could diagnose. You're completely nuts, man.

Seems like anything people like about Detroit is really from the suburbs. (How about home-town girl MADONNA?) All those "cool" rave shows are from "DJ Jazzy Winston" out there in Birmingham or something. Hip-for-the-moment Planet Ant is in Hamtramck (arguably worse than Detroit because people actually live there).

Now, I realize that you can get all nostalgic about those empty houses and them skanky liquor stores (what other stores are there?), all those gang fights in front of your house on 8th street, and even the great shows at the Fox (the NUGE AGAIN?!?!?!??!??!?!?) but please realize that garbage and crack all over the street a great city do not make. My twisted syntax is more comprehensible than the gibberish spewing out of your Detroit-lovin' mouth, you ass-freak!

I performed an experiment to see how much two of the city's emergency squads care about the city. One Saturday I drove on down to Detroit and parked myself square in the middle of Jefferson, right in front of that wacky sports arena thing, and smack dab in the path of a fire and police station. I stayed there for two hours, without anybody saying anything. No cops, no fires, apparently. Phooey.

Anyhoo, there's nothing and nobody there, and if you deny it you should just take another 'smart drink' and go back to your 'orb' and 'Industry'. Enjoy!

"... I realize that you can get all nostalgic about those empty houses and them skanky liquor stores ..."

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