In 1986 Writer/Director Donald G. Jackson burst onto the film
scene with "Roller Blade." We discovered it last month in a dumpster
outside the editor's apartment and thrilled to this sci-fi action adventure
more than once.
It takes place in the hazy future where maybe only twenty people and a
nice big hot tub are left after some mysterious apocalypse or other. There
are maybe eight Holy Sisters who worship a big blue glowing light bulb with
a smiley face on it (crank it baby!!!). They are allied with a fella played
by Mr. Hutchinson who wears a big cowboy hat and thinks he's a fancy high-falutin'
"Yea, Verily"-sayin' gun totin' roller derby sherriff. His assistant is a false
Jamaican who dresses like Re-Run. The sherriff has a little Opie-head for a kid
named "Little Chris."
The bad guys are: three pimply punks called "Spikers," one doubly ressurrected
hippie (over thirty, but young at heart), three bums, a hand puppet, Saticoy the
big-time evil overlord and a sexy nekked chick in aluminum foil.
Saticoy's plot is to steal the Holy Sister's mystical magical mystery power
source to power a tiny rocket craft. This craft will take him over a bottomless
chasm to Mecca Co., but I don't really understand why he wanted to do that. Such
are the shadowy prognostications of evil. Oh well.
Pro-skater Suzanne Solari, in the role of Hunter, steals the power source from
the sisters; Saticoy has promised her a share in some sort of world domination plan
if she's successful. To do so, she infiltrates their ranks, learns their ways, and
becomes a sister in her heart. At the critical moment she finds herself unable to
complete the perfidious act of treachery and returns the power source to the sisters.
Unfortunately, before she can safely replace the power source, it is stolen
by Saticoy, who completes construction of the villain-rider, and jets off. Just
because, he kidnaps the Sherriff's kid and threatens him a lot, which kills a whole
bunch of time. I won't spoil the end, but here's some treats:
- A chick fight
- A friendly dog dressed in a nun's habit
- A hot tub with three friendly Sisters who clean each other up after the chick fight
- A happy face music maker
- The BEST sound effects ever made
- Falco-esque soundtrack
- A sexy naked chick wrapped in aluminum foil who likes the hand puppet
- glowing knobs
- Mohawk-haired punks
- Classy humour
A prominent editor of a magazine which you, reader, are very likely to be reading
right now, said of this movie:
"'Roller Blade' is a monumental film with all of the humor of 'A Night at the Opera,"
the special effects of "Terminator," the rock-em-sock-em action of "A-Team' and the
drama of 'Yentl.' Donald Jackson just keeps pumpin' out the hits!" Yes, a tour-de-force
of cinema, despite its minor technical flaws. If he had the budget of all the above
films, who knows what Mr. Jackson could have acomplished!"
copyright © 1996 Ben Drake
···>Return to MOVIE REVIEWS