Extreme Seesawing
Sport of the Past. Sport of the Future. Sport for People Think Those Little Athletic Undies Shouldn't Just Be for Cheerleading Anymore.
by Deborah Solomon
 Last summer, I got offered a scholarship to study Korean for
the summer at a university in Seoul. According to the acceptance letter, the
scholarship covered tuition and dorm costs, but I would have to pay the
additional fee to join the pre-program three-day field trip to historical
Korea on my own. Of course, I immediately imagined a bunch of exchange
students cramming themselves into a Delorean and leaving flaming tiretracks
on the pavement of downtown Seoul as they headed back in time to historical
Korea, so I couldn't wait to sign up. read more!
Bad Metaphor TheatreAct 1
by Bob Church
The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. This storm was going to
be a doozey. I put my feet up on my desk and set my mind free like one of
those flowers, the Wandering Jew. The irony didn't escape me either, me
being a catholic and all. I stared at the red brick wall, the one that was
the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. read more!
BEEF premieres on IFILM.com
Motel Magazine's cinematic masterpiece is now playing at IFILM!
Click here
to view it, review it, and re-view it!
BEEF
Motel's First Movie is finally done!
10 years in the making, Beef has finally been finished and is now available for viewing exclusively
at Motelmag.com.
Chuck is a cowboy with a secret. Carise is a lesbian burning with passion.
Trixie is the object of both of their desires...but she's also the TV Preacher's daughter.
Click Here to view BEEF (running time: 27 minutes)
God Damn that Fucking Family Tradition
A Review of Hank Williams III in New Orleans
11/11/01
Our choice for entertainment in New Orleans on the night
of my 30th birthday was between Junior
Brown at the House of Blues and
Hank
Williams III at Howlin' Wolf.
Junior Brown, although we've never seen him,
seemed to me to be a pretty predictable commodity. Besides, he plays in Austin
just about every week. So, we chose Hank III, knowing really not much more than
his lineage and that he was a "Rising Rebel", as his album proclaims.
[read more]
Food That Wants to Be Eaten? Yeah, Right
10/29/01
You know what really bugs me? It's those damn commercials where the
food wants to be eaten. Yesterday I saw one where pieces of pasta were excited
about being covered by a particular pasta sauce. A group of uncooked pasta was excitedly
looking on while a
Family of Four™ chowed down on their pasta brothers and sisters who were covered with
the sauce.
What an awful conceit, that our food would be so excited about being eaten. Why would
food be happy about being all
munched up and then sliding down a dark tunnel to a pit full of acid that will break it down into its
consituent parts? Sounds more like a sci-fi horror flick fate than something to aspire to.
And frankly,
I don't really care about how my food feels about me eating it or about the sauce that it's served with.
Who gives a crap if the pasta likes the sauce? It doesn't even have any taste buds!
—Margaret Minnick
"SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE THINKS YOU'RE A S--T"
by Peter Bennett
The message came in the mail and it wasn't news to me. As an art and
theatre critic I'm acutely aware that the same sentiment is shared by whole
busloads of people. What was new was the novel way in which the message
was enforced. It came wrapped around a jar of dried kangaroo excrement with
a label attesting to its authenticity as "gift poo." [read more]
The Dummy's Guide to Eavesdropping
by Paul Dodson
"I slept with all of 'em", she said almost nonchalantly, applying a touch of
lippy with the aid of a small hand held mirror.
"All of 'em?" her friend replied, in a squeaky, high pitched tone.
"Yep, every one of 'em." This had potential.
"Bollocks?"
"No seriously, I did. But here's the thing ..." And with that, the fatter of the two lent forward
and broke into a whisper.
"WHAT'S THE THING?" read more!
Important announcement
In light of the events of September 11, would you like to buy some cream puffs?
Newsflash: Motel Still Does Not Like Dubya One Bit
Motel Magazine's official position on the events of Sept. 11 is this:
Terrorists suck. Religious fanatics (of every kind...got that Falwell, Bush, and Ashcroft?) suck.
We're scared out of our minds because the president is a loser with the
IQ of a dumb rabbit and who wasn't even elected. (Speaking of rabbits...remember that Roger Rabbit thing...that sucked).
We refuse to change our editorial
stance one bit (unlike almost every chicken shit publication and Web site in the country).
Being united against assholes who blow up buildings is one thing. We will not,
however, sit back and be nice when a bunch of boobs use the opportunity
to do all the crap they wanted to do anyway (take away civil liberties, lie to the press, outlaw dissent, blow up
Arabs, give huge amounts of money to defense contractors, give tax breaks to rich people).
Now, with that behind us, here's more breaking news: we've been sort of in a rut of
only publishing political breaking news so far this year. No more. Things suck (today's word of the day is...suck) and they aren't
going to get better until at least 2004. But, like G.W. might say "The evildoers hate our freedom". Motel
will be publishing more and better reviews, non-political commentary, tutorials, advice for the young people, and
multimedia extravaganzas in the days, months and years to come. We still believe in the power of the Web to
bring mass communication to the masses. We're still punk as fuck and we're coming into your house
with a whole can of whoop-ass and we're ready to spray it all over your new couch! Peace! We outta here!
Bribe Check Ideas Start Rolling In
Need ideas for how to spend your Republican Bribe Check™? We've got em!
"A loyal reader" writes:
Here is how we are planning on spending our rebate:
- Fund and support satan worship in schools
- ESL for G. W. Bush!
- dot.com startup
- anti-G8 summit riot gear
- stem-cell research
- help support and recruit for the local chapter of
Gay Youths for Socialism
Motel Contemplates Uses for Bush's Bribe Check
We haven't even gotten our letters yet, which makes me think we must be on someone's
list, but we're brainstorming ideas for what to do if/when we get bribe checks.
The editors of Motel are planning to write an article/photo essay, and perhaps
tape a documentary about the experience of spending the loot. Our list so far:
- Pay for someone's abortion (any takers?)
- Donate to our Local Atheist Organization
- Buy gangster rap CDs, give them to kids.
- Give $20 bills to homeless people on the condition that they must use them to buy booze/drugs.
- Have a big meal at Chuy's (see below), buy the manager drinks.
Do you have any ideas for uses for the bribe money? We're not really looking for good causes, we
already give enough money to good causes. We're looking to waste the money in ways that would really make
a fundamentalist christian think twice about trying to buy our love again.
I'm very disappointed with you.
Chuy's T-Shirts: The New Uniform of the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy
Show your true colors with a stylish Chuy's t-shirt from the legendary restaurant in Austin,
Texas. Celebrate the moment when Jenna cried "You don't understand what it's like to
be a college student and not be able to do what other kids do! WAH!" Announce to the world that
you would gladly dial 911 on any of the Bush clan!
T-shirts are available online at Chuys.com. There's
a greater variety of styles on sale in the actual restaurant, however. Call them at (512) 474-4452 for
information.
Suggestions for Enhancement
1. Use iron-on letters to put "What would Jenna Drink?" somewhere on the shirt (the
back, perhaps?).
2. Same thing, but write "911 Ain't a Joke in This Town"
Hip Huggers Suck
5/11/01
Last night, I tuned into David Letterman's fine show. The musical act was Destiny's
Child, who are, admittedly, not my favorite "band." Nevertheless, I was sympathetic
to the girls' plight as they danced around in skin-tight white hip hugger pants
(of unknown material).
The pants were, to put it mildly, falling down. Throughout the song, the girls
could be seen pulling up their pants over and over again. I believe the problem
stemmed from the fact that the pants were constructed without a waist.
It reminded me of how amazed I was when I saw the promo stills for Josie
and the Pussycats a few months ago. Pardon me, but Tara Reid's hig huggers
are totally falling off of her (see photo at right). Lest you assume that I am just a big prude,
I will admit that falling off clothes can be sexy ... but Tara's pants just
look bad. They are no more fashionable than when I was in 9th grade and I
folded-and-rolled the bottom of my pants legs for maximum pegging.
At least the girls in Destiny's Child have hips, and therefore have some
hope of keeping those pants up. But Tara Reid? Her pipecleaner body just
isn't up to the task. Someone in the costume department was definitely asleep at the
wheel.
The Freep Patrol
3/15/01
Ever wonder why every online poll you see at sites like
Yahoo!,
Excite,
CNN,
and many other portal and news sites has results heavily skewed in favor of
a conservative political viewpoint?
I wondered, too. Could it really be that the online community is
very conservative? Is it that 70% of the country is really strongly in
favor of concealed handgun laws?
No! There is a very organized effort among conservatives to vote over
and over and over and over again on these polls, and distort the results
in their favor. One of main hotbeds of this organization is the forum at the
web site of The Free Republic, at
http://www.FreeRepublic.com/perl/latest?ao=1.
Random Ramblings
2/26/01
Hello friends,
Today there is a new review of "The Gift," called Famous People Looking
Really Bad, available for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
2/24/01
Hey there, audience, whether you exist or not. I've been cleaning up a little
bit around the web site here this morning ... puttering, as my mom says. I've
added some new links (at the bottom of the left hand column ... <--- Over There)
and changed the articles that are linked from this page (also in the left
column). Of course, you can see all of our articles by clicking here.
Do you like the new RECENT MAIL feature (also in the very exciting left
column)? We get some pretty funky mail. Canadians, sweethearts that they
are, don't seem to be very worldly or web-savvy, as they say. Many have
actually mistaken our mullet-ridiculing Canadian
Passport Office for the real thing.
In other news, I've been working on my MOVIE REVIEWS,
in some misguided attempt to infiltrate the movie reviewer culture. It's just
some awful sick obsession of mine. You can also join my mailing list and get
a new movie review each week.
Be looking for an article on our recent trip to Dallas soon.
Keep on keepin' on,
Margaret
Bring Out the Chumps
2/7/01
In yet another blatant misrepresentation of the news, CNN claims that
the "Tax Families" that GW Bush brought to Washington today (to do a little
song-n-dance about how tax cuts will help them) were the very people who
"propelled" GW Bush into the White House.
Pardonnez-moi? "PROPELLED"? I did not detect any propulsion in the
recent election, except in the bullshit being propelled from Jim
Baker's mouth.
It's really kind of sad how dumb these Tax Families are. First off,
they look pretty OK ecomonically to me. They probably have to make tough
budgeting decisions like whether they can buy the JVC GRDVL9800U Digital
Cybercam Camcorder for $1,799.95 or if they'll need to settle for
the Panasonic PV-DV400 Digital Camcorder ($899.99). Bring out the hankies!
Maybe if these CHUMPS would stop watching TV and get a clue about what's
really going on in this world, they might realize that a few more bucks in
their pockets sure as shit won't fix the problems in this country. But,
I'm sure they just want to be able to buy a nice SUV so they can shuttle their
snotfaced kids from their private school to soccer practice without having to
see the poor kids and their parents waiting for the bus. It's the American Way!
The first whitehouse.gov transition is a horrible disaster!
1/21/01
If you thought the old site was bad...wait till you see what dubya has in store. Click on the picture to see get the full effect.
You'd think that the president who is sponsored by Exxon-Mobil-AOL/Time Warner would have a few dollars to spend on a damn web site that doesn't look like it's been vandalized...nope.
We actually thought
that Al Gore was starting to catch on and do a decent job with this site (you know he was coding the whole thing
himself. He's cool like that.) Now, we've got a republican site...and we all know that republicans are
are notoriously bad at web design and horribly, horribly tacky (example #1, example #2,
example #3).
Compare these eye-sores to some democrat sites...Hillary, Kennedy. Who would
you trust?
Entire Bush family trys to contain their lusty urges for Bill Clinton (but
Jenna still mostly interested in daddy's butt)
1/20/01
Too many possible captions.
12/18/00
Send us your captions for the lovely photo. We'll post the best ones.
Here are a few to get you started:
- Bush: "Hey Mom, I'm gonna show him how we do it in Texas."
Greenspan (thinking): "Here we go again."
- Bush: "This is how it's gonna be for you every day til' you say my tax
plan makes sense. Yee haw!"
Gomer Pyle, U.S. President
12/13/00
In a fake State of the Union address this evening,
President-elect Gomer Pyle says America can become
a kinder, gentler nation.
Gore Regains Lead in CNN.com Lead Photo Contest After FSC Smackdown
12/8/00
Despite a poor showing this morning after the Leon County decisions, Al Gore's
handsomeness level has resurged in the latest CNN.com Lead Graphic. Gore looks
cautiously optimistic and perhaps a little relieved now that the Florida
Supreme Court has dealt Bush a big time SMACKDOWN. Bush, on the other hand, looks
shocked into silence and wrinkly-foreheadedness.
Gore Winning CNN.com Lead Photo Contest
12/7/00 (Pearl Harbor Day)
In a shocking development this evening, Al Gore pulled ahead of George W.
Bush in the contest for Best Picture on CNN.com Homepage Graphic. As many Americans,
and, indeed, mysterious foreigners, already know, the CNN.com Homepage Graphic
has been changed every hour or so since Election Night. The relative chances
of either candidate prevailing have been easily tracked by the handsomeness of
each man in these Graphics.
Tonight, Al is looking hopeful and presidential (see photo) while W looks a
little "concerned," or perhaps "consternated." Does this bode well for Gore? Or
is it just the Last Hurrah before his inevitable decline into odd facial
expressions, and eventual removal (GASP!) from the Homepage Graphic altogether?
Only time will tell ...
(image borrowed from bushwatch.com)
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Things Get Scary
11/10/00
So, Dubya is trying hard to convince us that
he's been elected...as if his stupid confidence in his right to be
President is enough to outweigh whatever the election results might turn
out to be. What a shithead. Go here for
the latest news. Go here to find
out about protests. Go here
to sign a petition asking Dubya to stop salivating over the prospect of gettin it on
with chunky interns and look at the facts.
Dubya Quote-of-the-Day
11/7/00
"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important.
It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you
know, the dark dungeons of the Internet."
--Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000
Note from 12/8/00: OOOPS. Wrong Again!
Cheney Parties Hard
Rock over London. Rock on Chicago. Halliburton Third Quarter Earnings Up
Significantly Over Prior Year And Previous Quarter.
Dubya Quote-of-the-Day
10/27/00
"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that
simply suckles kids through?"
--Explaining the need for educational accountability, Beaufort,
S.C.,Feb.16, 2000
(above) Motel Magazine proves once again that "there ought to be limits on free speech."
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Dubya Quote-of-the-Day
10/25/00
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometime
until we get an objective analysis."
--Meet the Press, April 15, 2000
(If I were W., I would also be surprised to learn that my progeny had any
intelligence.)
Dubya Quote-of-the-Day
10/24/00
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
--Reuters, May 5, 2000
It's the Stupidity, Stupid!
Salon.com has a
great
article today on why the media is so remiss in its
reportage of Dubya's intellectual shortcomings. Read it!
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